Taming Holiday - Family Gathering Angst
Oct 02, 2019
There are times and places where people can behave horrifically. Holiday gatherings are no exception – if anything, they are the scenes where the worst can come out in relationships. A few years ago my wife and I watched the Meryl Streep-Julia Roberts movie, August: Osage County. Several types of tensions, and abuses, were depicted. Awful stuff! But sadly, not fictitious stuff. I have had many people in my therapy office describe similarly sad and traumatic memories. Many discussions I have had about how to manage the upcoming Thanksgiving, or Christmas family gathering. Clients often share great anxiety over upcoming events and what might go wrong.
So, here are a few principles and some related practices to consider if you have some angst about the upcoming holiday family gathering. The goal is to make things go well!
The first principle is to PLAN. If you are involved in hosting, consider a few thoughts:
- Plan your budget. Costs can easily get out of hand because “it’s family” or “it’s a special occasion”.
- Be Clear about time and time-frame. We’ve all been in situations that had someone stay way too late or too many days. Exercise some boundaries with those who may be just too tiresome.
- Being clear means Communicate! This is essential to being clear about what and when.
- Delegate. Some people feel that they have to do it all. Sometimes those are the people who get snarky or with whom the guilt-tripping leaks out from. On the other side of the coin and you are a guest, certainly offer to help. If help is refused, bring a food gift.
- Plan Some Fun. This is a no-brainer, yes, but it is easy for even the best host to forget. A variety of activities - inside and out -will breathe life into the occasion.
Plan B. Here I am thinking of situations for those who are the guests and anticipate things going badly. Have an exit strategy should tensions rise or “that person” is at it again. It is ok to set boundaries. Set your travelling schedule to allow you to come and go comfortably. And key, for couples, have that agreed upon ahead of time. Stand by your mate!
Another principle is Manage Expectations. Have you ever had you expectations get you in a bind or a conflict? The answer for all of us is, yes. So a couple of additional thoughts about expectations.
Moderate expectations. That kinda sums up some of the above but is worth elaborating on. If there are tensions or issues in the past, do not presume they will disappear just because it is a family gathering.
If there are issues that need to be talked through, do that outside of the family gathering time. Do it well ahead, and talk openly.
Drama… Part of my heritage is Polish and I recently came across a clever Polish idiom. It is, “not my circus, not my monkey!” Translation: set boundaries, Refuse to "go there”.
Source: Originally published in MUSKOKA SENIORS, Sept/Oct 2016